Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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