Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
