please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
