that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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