I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
