when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
