You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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