it hurts more in the daytime
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize