i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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