I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
