If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
