you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
