So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
