she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
