that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
