You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
