Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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