Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
