i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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