never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
