sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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