I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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