Plan B is the new Plan A
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
