he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
