Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize