Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
