i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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