I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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