New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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