God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
