Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
