i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
