Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
