have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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