I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
