I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
