I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
