i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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