Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
