To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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