I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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