i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
