You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
