There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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