Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
