If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
