I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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