she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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