I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
