Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
