id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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