Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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