i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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