Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
