I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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