i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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