When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
