My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you had me at cake vodka
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
