I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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