you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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