I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
