Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
