Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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