genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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